Well...

Well the week we’ve been dreading for the last two and a half years has arrived. Sadly, my Dad passed away Monday morning at 2:20AM. Although we’ve been “preparing” for this for some time now, there are not words to describe my sadness. Some days I think, how did we get here?? Melanoma...really? Our life was so naive and carefree...perfect. This has been the most challenging and emotional experience of my life. I’m angry and sad that he’s been taken from us so early in life and most of all that my kids will not have the opportunity to share experiences with him as they grow up – it breaks my heart.

This being said, I am so SO thankful  he is finally free of the torture and suffering he has had to endure for so long. He passed away peacefully….and he gave one hell of a fight. Three BRAIN surgeries (THREE), multiple radiation sessions and chemo…he never once blinked an eye and faced it all so bravely. His courage and strength is incomprehensible, and as I have all of my life, I admire him so much. His body became such a burden to him, especially this last year, yet even during his last couple of days he didn’t let it affect his spirit…through his weakness, he still smiled, raised eye brows and talked with his eyes to make sure we knew he understood and was here with us.

The “permanence” I’m feeling makes me ache….it's suffocating really...but he taught is to be resilient and adaptable. For him and for my family, I will try my best, but my mind is racing… trying to gather all of the feelings, smells…the sound of his voice, the advice he shared and all of the amazing memories…I’m most afraid of forgetting them with time or that they will lose their brilliance - just thinking about it makes me cry. I remember him picking me up from school in his work truck and belting out the Beach Boys together the whole drive home – still makes me smile when I think about it. He worked so hard and at the same time, always made sure he enjoyed the present and made an effort to relax, laugh and really “live” life.

My absolute favorite is the look on his face when he’s thought of a new idea and the excitement in his voice as he describes it to you in detail…I get my creativity and curiosity to explore and innovate from him. I will miss his advice…he always had such good intuition and would share his thoughts but saw the importance in “experiencing” and learning from mistakes too. He always made a point to make sure we knew he was proud of us …and you could see it in his love for capturing the perfect picture (of whatever we were doing) or overhearing him talk to friends about our latest activities or accomplishments. I hope he realizes how proud I am of him too.

Through all of this, I am thankful to have had the opportunity to say good bye and to tell and show him how much I love him, many are not so fortunate. My only hope is that he is now FREE to live again… free to sit at the winery and enjoy nature, or to go hunting or visit the beach or the lake like he loved so much – he certainly deserves it….hopefully he will visit and watch over us too – the boys have gained such a special guardian angel and I’m thankful to vicariously still experience his smile and his love for life through them, especially looking at his mini me, Nash.

These next few days…weeks will continue to be extra hard. I want to say thank you to the bottom of my heart, for the support we have and continue to receive from our amazing family, friends and community. It has required 2 person minimum, 24/7 care in order for us to keep my Dad in the comfort of his home these last five months (FIVE months)…I am 110% confident, we would not have made it to this point if it weren’t for your generosity and unconditional support. “thank you” will never be enough to describe how much we appreciate all you have done and continue to do for our family.

Rest in peace, Dad (and enjoy a few laughs and jokes with grandma and grandpa) – we will miss you every day.

Some of my favorite photos "pre-diagnosis" - he loves his grand babies